One of My Biggest Regrets



In August of 2016, I made probably one of the worst decisions of my life.


I was not in a great place mentally because I was dealing with the fact that my friend had almost successfully taken her own life. I was the only reason why she was still alive because I alerted someone to check on her. Even though she survived the attempt, it was a lot for me to deal with because my brain kept thinking about the what ifs. At 20 years old, knowing I saved someone’s life was a lot for me to handle. It was a miracle, but the whole situation was awful. And mentally, it messed me up.


A couple days after this had happened, I was hanging out with some other friends of mine. We were drinking and I was having a good time just trying to have a bit of normalcy. While I was hanging out with these friends, one of the people there offered me a pill that he called ‘Red Bull’. I didn’t know what it was, but I had always told myself that I would never do hard drugs.


Even though I said no multiple times, he kept pressuring me and he described it as a happy pill. He said that the pill would make me happy. Having just been through the traumatic thing I did with my friend and also being a bit drunk, I finally gave in because I did just want to be happy. So, I took what was supposedly a small dose of the little pink ‘Red Bull’ pill.


Shortly after I took the pill, we went out. We got to a restaurant and I immediately began to feel off. I remember feeling like I was going to puke and like the room was spinning. I let my friend know, and she took me back to her house. At her house, things got worse and I began to have a really bad trip. For what felt like hours, I was screaming and flailing in a room by myself. When it finally passed, I felt completely drained and exhausted and still not myself.


The next morning, I woke up to find my tongue completely bitten up. It was painful and uncomfortable, but I had to go to work. Not only was my tongue completely destroyed, but I also felt like a complete zombie. This lasted for at least week. I had absolutely no energy and I don’t know how I was even able to function. I did not feel remotely okay or normal.


The MDMA completely depleted my serotonin levels and it really messed me up. I had always been a nervous child, but after I took the MDMA, I began to have horrific, crippling anxiety. Sometimes I wonder if I would have the awful anxiety I currently have if it wasn’t for me taking that half a pill. It was one time and that’s all it took to cause permanent damage to my brain.


I ended up having to tell my mom about what happened. She was extremely understanding and she did not yell at me and I wasn’t in trouble. Instead, she brought me to a doctor who could help me try and fix the chemical imbalance that I caused in my brain. I had to take various supplements to try and balance things back out. It was a lot for a 20 year old.


If I could go back in time, I would have stood my ground and continued to say no. Unfortunately, I was vulnerable and impaired that night and that caused me to do something I probably never would have done. That was all it took, one time and a bit of vulnerability. After that, I never put myself in that kind of situation ever again.


Experimenting might seem like fun, but it can have really negative consequences. I wish I never experimented. I had never planned to, I just wasn’t in a good mental state when I did it. I share my story now, because I want others to know just how serious these drugs can be. It is just not worth it.


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By TurningPointCT.org Project Coordinator and Peer Leader Kailey MarcAurele